Our normal

As most of you know my husband is training to become a commercial pilot.  I have had and still have many issues with this.  When we were friends and dating on and off I thought oh that is cool.  And then I learned about the lifestyle.  I will always remember the night that we were at Dave's parents house and talking with our brother in law.  At this point we were dating and it was beginning to get serious.  I'm not sure why I hadn't put two and two together but I had no idea the lifestyle that came with being a commercial pilot.  I didn't know that they were gone every week for half the week.  I didn't know that in only the most ideal situations do you live where you want to live.  I didn't know the lifestyle of a pilot.  That night Paul began asking Davis where he might want to live and where he hoped he would get a job.  Paul kept saying how it would be hard to be away from family so much but that it would be worth it.  I am sure I had the deer in the headlights look during this conversation.  My eyes were opened to what my life would be like if I were to marry him.  I grew up with a dad that was always physically there for his kids.  For the most part he had an 8-5 office job that was flexible.  He was there for anything big and small and home every night to help my mom.  This was my normal and this is what I wanted for my future family.  I hate to say it but after that night I broke up with him.  I couldn't stand the thought of not living by family.  I couldn't stand the thought of being by myself.  I couldn't stand the thought of all the work that would come with raising kids by myself during the week.  I believe that this is the reason why I struggled so much when it came to deciding whether or not to marry Dave.  When we were first married and people would ask what my husband does and I would tell them they would give these reactions like how fun is that?!  I would look at them with my crazy eyes and be like seriously people!  Do you know what this means?!  I always tell Davis that his dreams are coming true by becoming a pilot.  Anyone who has talked to him for more than two seconds about his career choice know this.  My dream is to be a mom.  My dream is to have my kids have cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents that they know!  And a dad.  This is what my life consisted of growing up.  It was my normal.  Whenever I run into a pilot or a pilot's family I have a tendency to begin playing 20 questions.  I want to know if they had a normal relationship with their dad.  If he was there for things.  How the wife/mother handled it.  It scares me.  It worries me where we will end up, what Dave will be able to be there for, what he will miss, how we will ever pay off these student loans. . .the list goes on and on.  But now when people ask me what my husband does I am always excited to answer them.  Because that excited-no-way-how-cool reaction that they ALWAYS give thrills me!  Yeah my husband is a pilot!  How cool and different and exciting!  There is always good and bad that comes with every occupation.  But it feels amazing to know that my husband loves what he does!  That he works so incredibly hard because he loves it.  What I love most is that he has kept my dreams in mind as well.  He promises me that he will do everything he can to keep us in Utah.  He promises me that he will make sure that we are taken care of and that he will be there for the things that matter.  He promises to have a relationship with each  of our kids.  And over the years I have (very slowly) become ok with it and accepted it.  Somehow someway this will become our normal and that is all that matters.